TheAnatomiser

Here’s a useful tip. If someone is about to stick a needle into you in the name of the healing arts, don’t piss them off beforehand. Even if you’re drunk and normally quite obnoxious. Here’s why.

It only works with intra-muscular (IM) injections. I’ve never practised it myself, or indeed seen it done, but I am quite certain it exists.

Most IM injections are drawn up into the syringe out of the phial they come in, using the same needle that you inject into the patient. The needles are actually little miracles of engineering, with an angled, sharpened point at the end. If that point is tapped firmly on the bottom of the glass phial while the drug is being drawn up, the point bends round very slightly at the tip. You now have a barbed implement. It goes in alright, but on withdrawal it catches on muscle fibres and tears them, causing unnecessary pain and a very nasty bruise afterwards.

As I say, I’ve never done this or seen it done. But the very fact such a phenomenon is even talked about is one very good reason to be nice to your nurse and your doctor. If you need one.

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Stories of moronic patients are second on the list of the most popularly-requested A&E ‘anecdotes (number one being, of course, the sorts of things that people insert inside themselves and then get x-rayed when they won’t come out again.)

So here’s the first of what will probably turn out to be occasional brief rants about such people.

The woman who booked in because her false fingernail had come off and she wanted us to stick it back in place.

The woman who actually called ‘999′ (the emergency services number) for an ambulance because she had chewing gum stuck in her hair. In fact the trick to get chewing gum off clothes is to put the clothing in a freezer for a couple of hours so the gum goes hard and can be cracked off. So I advised the patient to go home and stick her head in the freezer for a couple of hours.

Of course I didn’t actually. The General Medical Council frown on that sort of thing. But it’s what I wanted to tell her.

The weird thing is that a lot of medical soaps cover exactly this sort of thing these days – inappropriate use of resources, ambulances tied up with trivia while the elderly man quietly dies form his heart attack – that sort of thing. But the eejits who pitch up with their gummed hair and broken nails either don’t watch popular TV shows as they are too busy attending museums and art galleries (unlikely), or they are just so stupid that they can’t see the comparison.

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